don't forget the sizzling booty tricks.
and for some reason, there are stacks of old cosmos in the bathroom that must have been a relic from my early teenage years when i decided i needed to read up on ~naughty sex tips~ despite my raging virginity. i decided to re-investigate these.

and now i'm nearly 100% able to visualize cubicles of women in the cosmo office sitting at their computers, coming up with lists of euphemisms for sexy shit. and there would probably be a monthly award for the unfortunate who compiles the most diverse list of sassy synonyms for perfectly acceptable terms like "penis," "vagina," "sex," and "anal."

no, it's too clinical! you've got to use wink-tastic terms like "his manly member" and "trouser buddy" while diverting all references to the vagina as "down there," a weird and nebulous phrase that makes female genitalia sound like the ninth circle of hell.

i literally read an article with the helpful slug of "direct your dude down there." how the goddamn do i do that, you might be asking. and i know as a sexually active adult who's all about getting some clitoris-loving, you are extremely uncomfortable with any word that might be associated with a textbook or a polysyllabic vocabulary. so who don't you "paw yourself" around your "female landscape" so he can "hit your money spots" while he is "working skills on your bod" during your "sack session."

seriously, what the goddamn. i know these women at cosmo are totally high-fiving themselves over adapting the magazine to a trendy, urban, girlfriend-speak language that totally appeals to the modern woman. but i don't know a single female that wouldn't stare at me like i was half a retard if i told them i wanted to share sizzling booty tricks to add to their randy lineup.

ps - if i ever get around to writing personal memoirs, i'm going to title that shit sizzling booty tricks.